Revelations

I will say, that I could have told him in a better way.

I could have used my nice voice. I could have cushioned the blow. Hell, I could have provided alcohol to numb the shock.

But it's not like any of that was available to me, so why should I have been the only one to absorb the shock.

We were having an argument.

Then again, in those days, when WEREN'T we arguing. I'd love to place the entire blame on him and say that the argument was all his fault, but I dont really remember.

It probably was, I just can't guarantee that for sure and of course my hormones were out of control, so there's a slight possibility that he'd done something stupid as usual and I just didnt have the patience to over look it as usual.

I know the argument ended with me driving to his apartment building and posting up in the front, waiting for him to come to the doors so that I could confront him.

At least that was my intention.

I got disgusted with myself for being the stereotypical crazy pregnant broad outside of someone's apartment building at 1 in the morning so I drove off.

Not before calling him to let him know exactly how close he'd come to an ass whooping on his home turf that night.

We were both talking shit to each other, so that wasn't what set me off. It was the off hand remark he made, without malice, but with sincerity,that made me take a sharp breath, cover my heart that made me and retaliate with the only weapon that I had at the time.

"I hate coming to work and seeing you now. I should just quit so I don't have to deal with you anymore"

The fact that he said it so plainly let me know that he meant it and before I could even think, I responded.

"Go ahead and quit. I don't care, but you'll find it awfully hard to pay child support without a job"

Magic Stick

A magic stick changed my life.

Actually, make that TWO magic sticks.

And yes, I mean EXACTLY what you think I mean when I say that.

The first magic stick was what got me into this mess. I became infatuated and stayed around, loooongg past the time I should have.

The second one, well, it was my fault for playing with the first too long.

I'd just returned home from an impromptu visit to see my baby sister off to prom. All was wonderful and she looked and felt like a princess going to the ball, which was exactly what I wanted for her.

I have NO idea what made me take the test. I wasn't late. I wasn't having mood swings. I had taken more naps than usual while I was home, but I attributed that to the fact that there was simply nothing of interest to do in my wannabe-big-city, small town home. I guess this would be the point where some say my motherly instinct just kicked in.

So there I was, in my house R.Kelly-ing a thin white piece of plastic. I wasn't worried or tense as I waited the requisite three minutes for results. To be accurate, I wasn't anything more than curious at that moment. Not just to find out what the results would be, but how I would react to whatever they were.

One minute....

Two minute....

Three minute....

Four.....

I finally pick the stick up from its horizontal position to decipher the results. Negative. Life could go on as it had been going on. While I pondered if I was excited or disappointed because once again, I had proof that I wasn't fit to be someone's mother, I put the stick back on the counter, arranged my clothes and went on about my business.

I ran errands, even left the house and returned. Finally went into the bathroom again about five hours later and noticed the debris from my earlier misadventures. I sat down again to handle another round of business and as I went to grab some tissue something caught my eye.

At first I couldn't pinpoint what was amiss.

No one had been in the house since I had left.

Nothing was out of place, everything just as I'd left it. But Something was different.

I picked up the pregnancy test from earlier and sat there trying to decipher what was wrong. And finally it came to me. Where earlier, one line had appeared meaning that I had correctly performed the test and received a negative result, there now appeared two lines. One so faint, that had I squinted hard enough, it would have disappeared. One line that I would bet my life had not been there earlier, but was indelibly there now.

I put the stick back down and reversed every emotion that I'd experienced earlier.

I thought about throwing up, but I didn't want to be the stereotypical pregnant woman.